


The Misadventures of Legendary Outlaws Star-Lord and Star-Lord 2.0

by t_3po



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Family, Humor, Love at First Sight, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 07:17:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14744366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_3po/pseuds/t_3po
Summary: “I was not informed that there are two Star-Lords,” the Vulcan says.“No, I’m Star-Lord,” Peter huffs. “That, the guy you handcuffed, is Jim Kirk, my partner-in-crime. We’re a criminal duo here like…like Bonnie and Clyde—where obviously I’m Clyde and we’re not into each other.”-An AU where Jim Kirk never went to Starfleet and instead became Peter Quill's partner-in-crime





	The Misadventures of Legendary Outlaws Star-Lord and Star-Lord 2.0

**Author's Note:**

> Don't take anything in this fic seriously lmao I don't even know why I thought of this

Love, Peter decides, is a bitch.

Or perhaps it’s lust that’s happening here. Peter doesn’t know, but as 'Fooled Around and Fell In Love' plays from his Walkman, serving as the background music for Jim’s romcom moment with the man about to arrest them, he settles on the word ‘love’.

Whatever it is, it’s a bitch because Jim’s supposed to come up with an escape plan after Peter’s failed escape plan. Instead he’s smiling like an idiot at the Vulcan holding a phaser to his chest, flashing that charming Kirk smile, and going, “You come here often?”

The Vulcan raises an eyebrow at him.

“No, Jim, of course he doesn’t fucking come here often,” Peter snaps. Even with his headphones pressed over his ears and the music playing, he can tell that his voice comes out hoarse. The phaser blast to his chest (the result of his attempt to punch the Vulcan) is still making it hard to breathe properly but Peter goes on. He has some whining to do. “Maybe you haven’t noticed but we’re in a stolen Orion ship and he’s a member of Starfleet!”

Jim doesn’t even look fazed by Peter’s outburst. Jim is ignoring him.

Unbelievable.

“We have come here for the one called Star-Lord,” the Vulcan announces. He looks from Jim to Peter then back again, seemingly confused. Or annoyed. Or angry. Peter has no idea; the man’s face is void of emotion.

“You are to be arrested for stealing dilithium crystals from a Federation vessel and for…” The Vulcan pauses to read the PADD in his left hand. His pointy brows furrow. “And for approximately 249.8 other crimes.”

Great, Peter thinks, huffing. They shouldn’t have come to Federation space at all. They normally avoid crossing the border, preferring to stay in practically lawless empires, but Jim had insisted on visiting Earth for old time’s sake and Peter, who hasn't been to Earth since Yondu abducted him, stupidly relented. And look where that got them.

He’s not mad, not really. Annoyed, yeah, but he knows how to get out. At least, he thinks he does. He’s never been arrested by Starfleet before but Peter supposes that given his criminal record as Star-Lord, it’s inevitable.

Slowly, he gets up from the ground, his muscles protesting at each movement. The Vulcan points his phaser at him in warning and Peter quickly raises his hands in surrender. He looks to Jim, nods, and steps forward, ready to be a hero and turn himself in so Jim can escape when the Vulcan’s companion, a Starfleet member in a red shirt, produces a pair of handcuffs and clasps them over Jim’s wrists.

“Uh, _what_?”

Red shirt blinks at him. “We’re arresting Star-Lord?”

“No. I’m Star-Lord.”

“Then who’s this?”

Jim shrugs. “Jim Kirk.”

“I was not informed that there are two Star-Lords,” the Vulcan says.

“No, _I’m_ Star-Lord,” Peter huffs. “That, the guy you handcuffed, is Jim Kirk, my partner-in-crime. We’re a criminal duo here like…like Bonnie and Clyde—where obviously I’m Clyde and we’re not into each other.”

“So…” Red shirt looks at the Vulcan then at him and Jim. “Star-Lord and…Jim Kirk. The other one doesn’t have a fancy nickname?”

“Aha, you see, Jim?” The officer looks a little startled by his raised voice but Peter ignores him. Jim groans and gives him a pointed glare but Peter’s had this argument ready since the day Jim rejected any of the nicknames Peter tried to give him. “No respectable criminal duo can be Star-Lord and Jim Kirk. It’s not catchy and now that we’ve finally been arrested, that’s going to make it to the headlines. Star-Lord and fucking Jim Kirk.”

“You are both guilty of these crimes, then?” The Vulcan asks, interrupting him from launching another rant.

“Yeah. I think. I mean some of them may have been solo projects.” He looks to Jim who sheepishly says, “I stole a bike while you were with Yondu.”

“And according to this,” the Vulcan says, reading the PADD. “Your arrest evasion success rate is 69%”

Peter can’t help it; he laughs. The Vulcan frowns at him. “I do not see what is so amusing about that number,” he mutters. “It is not something to be proud of. There’s a 31% chance of failure.”

“69! Jim! _69_!” The part of him that will always remain twelve years old and forever amused by that number is winning over any rational thinking. Jim’s not unaffected by it, either. He’s grinning as well.

Red Shirt is also trying to hide a smile.

The Vulcan frowns then stares at him likes he’s grown a second head. “Enough,” he says and Peter’s mirth disappears. “We are bringing both of you to our ship

Peter scowls. “You can take us in but we’ll definitely get out.”

The Vulcan cocks his head to one side and stares at him blankly.

And then he shoots his phaser.

 

* * *

 

There are indeed no records about Star-Lord’s companion despite the fact that Star-Lord himself is infamous in other star systems. Even Starfleet, which prides itself as having the best archive for each individual with criminal intent, has nothing on him. In their defense Starfleet officers would like to point out that their record on Star-Lord is minimal because he rarely appears in Federation space and they wouldn’t even have bothered with him if he hadn’t stolen the crystals.

The information they do have came from the Nova Corps who’ve been dealing with Star-Lord since he first appeared in their system. Starfleet’s more focused on science and exploration than dealing with space pirates outside their jurisdiction, but due to the theft and because the Enterprise happened to be making rounds near the area where Star-Lord was last spotted, Pike had asked Spock to lead an away team to capture one criminal and hopefully retrieve the stolen dilithium.

They got back their dilithium. And also, not just one, but two criminals.

All over the Enterprise, theories on who the companion is start to pop up. The identity of the companion changes from brother to lover to a hostage and one interesting theory from Chief Engineer Scotty has people believing that the companion is an android.

None of these theories are correct.

* * *

   
This is how Star-Lord and… Jim Kirk happened:

Sixteen-year-old Peter Quill, during a raid on the recently liberated Tarsus IV, had stumbled upon one half-dead twelve-year-old Jim Kirk and decided to bring him back to The Milano despite the protests of the other Ravagers. Jim had looked lost. Jim _was_ lost and parentless and hurt and scared and he’d been through shit and in Peter’s mind, that was a quick way to earn residency on his ship. It made sense that they ought to stick together—two dumb kids who’d been through hell would only trust each other.

Yondu hadn’t approved of that at first. He’d even threatened to let the Ravagers eat Jim. To this day, Peter is still not sure if the threats of cannibalism are jokes or not. Who even eats people and asks that you be grateful they didn’t have you for dinner? But Jim turned out to be a bit of a genius, especially when it comes to engineering so Yondu allowed him to stay with Peter.

It’s been like that for years. Peter sneaking in and stealing things for the Ravagers, Jim getting information and ruining enemy ships so they can escape, the two of them splitting up money and celebrating on The Milano with stolen bottles of Saurian brandy. Jim prefers to gather information than to actually steal things, leaving Peter to do most of the work where exposure is inevitable, so Peter’s not surprised that people don’t know that there are two of them. Jim has a natural affinity for communicating with people and getting them to talk without the need for violence, whereas with Peter the moment he opens his mouth he starts a fist fight and a small scale war. And while Jim can hold his own on a fight, it’s undeniable that Peter’s more skilled in combat and rarely gets injured (he’s told Jim multiple times that a flying kick doesn’t actually work but Jim’s mind just goes there whenever they encounter someone trying to kill them), and he’s better at finding loopholes in the laws of whatever planet they end up in.

In that way, they complement each other.

Peter also guesses that authorities’ lack of knowledge on Jim has to do with Jim refusing to wear Peter’s helmet and well, if CCTV’s manage to capture two guys in a crime scene, with one of them wearing a space helmet with glowing red eyes, they’re naturally going to be more drawn to the guy in the helmet.

That, and because Jim also refuses to adopt a nickname.

Their daily argument is basically Peter going “Don’t you want a nickname? You need a nickname.” To which, Jim responds with, “My own name is fine and I don’t want a dumb name like Star-Lord. What am I? An eight year old pretending I’m a robot?” Which then leads to Peter attempting to kick Jim out of The Milano for a week.  
But that’s not important.  
  
What’s important, Peter thinks as he pulls at his restraints, is to escape. He looks to his left where Jim is lying on his own biobed, also testing his restraints. Peter catches his eye.

He raises his eyebrows. _You got a plan?_

Jim nods. _Forming one._

Peter sighs, relieved, and allows himself a short moment of hope. He doesn’t have his guns or his mask and (Peter had immediately panicked upon discovering this) he doesn’t even have his Walkman. Force won’t get them out. He’ll have to rely on Jim’s sneaky bartering tactics for this.

His relief is cut short when the doors open and the ship’s captain steps in, closely followed by the Vulcan who’d shot them. Peter glances at Jim and groans when he sees he’s wearing that dopey lovesick expression once more.

Love is a fucking bitch.

 

* * *

 

“That’s a very interesting story. You were abducted and you were on Tarsus IV?” Jim can tell that the captain of the Enterprise, one Captain Pike, is looking at them both with sympathy. It’s a common thing they get whenever someone hears their story, especially Jim’s story, and while it would normally grate on Jim’s nerves, he pays no mind to it. His focus has zeroed in on the Vulcan, who, much to Jim’s delight, keeps sneaking glances at him. Jim grins at him and the Vulcan’s mouth twitches, his lips forming a short and brief smile.

Spock. His name is Spock.

He can see Peter glaring at him from his peripheral vision, telling Jim that if their biobeds were closer to each other, Peter would definitely kick him.

And Jim knows he deserves it. He was supposed to come up with an escape plan, the very minute Peter’s plan crashed and burned, but Jim had frozen upon seeing Spock and well that was that. It’s stupid and cliché and weird because he’s never been hit by lust this strong before, but every single cell in his body is pointing at Spock and going: _Tap that, Jim._

 _Okay_ , says the extremely unreasonable part of Jim’s brain that gives no shit about how they’re criminals and that Spock is a member of Starfleet. _Tap_ that.

Spock sneaks another glance at him while Pike is talking to Peter, that little smile present on his face once more. Jim wants to kiss that curly upper lip thing he has going on. He’s kissed plenty of aliens, but never a Vulcan, and this is bordering on creepy probably because they’ve only just met, but Jim can’t help but wonder what Spock _tastes_ like.

“God will you two stop doing that!”

They jump a little. Peter’s giving both of them death glares. “Stop eyefucking each other! You’ve only known each other for like what? Forty-five minutes?” He turns to Pike. “Isn’t this bothering you?”

Pike blinks then looks at his first officer. “Commander?”

“I assure you we were not ‘eyefucking’ as Mr Quill so eloquently put it. And I am perfectly capable of separating whatever personal feelings I have from my work,” Spock argues. “Personal feelings that I currently do not have,” he adds hurriedly when Pike’s eyes widen. But he’s turning a bit green, the tips of his ears flushed a dark sage and he’s gripping his PADD too tightly. Pike shifts his attention to Jim who replies with a smile he hopes is all innocence.

_No, Captain Pike, I definitely don’t have the weird urge to press your first officer against the wall and stick my tongue down his throat, no sir, I definitely don’t want to do that at all._

_Except well. If your first officer is offering it would be rude to say no, right?_

Pike sighs and sends a warning glare at Spock who keeps his eyes downcast. “What were you two doing on board an Orion ship?” he asks.

“We stole it so we could get back something that was stolen from us,” Jim replies at the same time Peter shouts, “My ship by the way! They took my ship and I want it back now!”

“Who stole it?”

“Mudd,” Peter growls. “That sick son of a bitch took The Milano from me even though I won our gamble. Stole it while Jim and I were celebrating our win.”

 _“Harry_ Mudd? He’s wanted in at least twenty three star systems and in six Federation planets.” Pike looks to his xo for confirmation. “We’ve been hunting him down for three years and he’s always managed to evade us.”

Jim’s mind whirs upon hearing that. He looks to Peter who raises one eyebrow at him, questioning. _I got a plan_ , Jim mouths.

“We can help you catch Mudd in exchange for our freedom.”

Pike splutters at that and much to Jim’s dismay even Spock glares at him. Peter is gaping him as well.

“Why would we? You’re a criminal!”

“For three small crimes only,” Jim answers, quickly. “And you got your dilithium back. We weren’t even able to warp because you caught us immediately. Anyway, Spock here said that we committed around 200 crimes but because most of those were done outside Federation space, you have no authority to charge us for those crimes. You can check yourself but Peter knows intergalactic laws better than anyone and I know Mudd's done far worse than us in Federation space. You can charge us for the theft we did here but those are small compared to Mudd’s crimes and we know how to track him.”

Pike’s left eye is twitching. It’s almost funny because Jim knows he has him trapped. But Spock is still glaring at him and Peter doesn’t look too happy either.

Finally, Pike stands up. He‘s frowning at Jim but there’s an odd look in his eyes that Jim can’t quite identify.

“I need to discuss this with the admiralty,” he says, turning to leave. Spock stands up as well, following his captain without another look at Jim.

Great.

“Jim,” Peter snarls and Jim’s attention finally focuses on him. “You are so dead.”

 

* * *

 

“I struck us a deal. What are you so mad about?”

Jim doesn’t get it. He’s a genius but he doesn’t get this and Peter kind of wants to strangle him for being so dense. He’d do it too but his wrists are still bound to the bars of the biobed. “We never would have been in this position if you hadn’t stopped to make googly eyes at the elf there! For once in your life stop thinking with your dick!”

“Oh, wow, says the man who picks up a lay in every planet we go to,” Jim counters but there’s little heat to it. He’s ashamed, Peter knows, and without Spock around to distract him Peter can tell he’s starting to feel guilty for getting them in this situation. Good, Peter thinks vehemently.

They should be on a ship right now, hunting Mudd to get the Milano back. Instead, Jim’s roped them in on helping Starfleet. He shudders when he thinks about what the other Ravagers are going to think when they find out he’s helping the authorities. While they also have little fondness for Mudd, they’re even less fond of Starfleet and any other intergalactic organization that hunts down pirates.

Jim doesn’t get it because he’s not really part of Yondu’s clan, merely a guest that the other Ravagers tolerate, even though Peter’s practically adopted him as his younger brother. And it’s not like they haven’t reached out because they have, but the problem lies with Jim. The Ravagers aren’t 100% dicks but you need to at least be 80% of a dick to be part of the crew and Jim, for all his bravado and leather jackets and motorcycles, can’t seem to get past 60%, not with the kind of empathy he has.

Not for the first time, Peter wonders if Jim feels lonely about not truly belonging. It lessens his anger a bit, and it must show on his face because Jim’s expression has shifted from cautious to hopeful.  
He’s giving Peter puppy dog eyes. They shouldn’t work because Jim is a grown man but Peter has to admit that Jim has the perfect eyes for that kind of thing.

“Fine,” Peter mutters. “We’ll cooperate with them. On one condition.”

“Which is?”

He almost regrets making Jim flinch with his next words.

“Stay away from that Vulcan.” 

 


End file.
